Top 5 Reasons I Defriended You On Facebook

This is the first installment of the Friday Top 5 series. Enjoy!

Oh Facebook, how you have changed the world. Facebook has changed more than just the world though, it has also changed the definition of friend.  According to Facebook, the word friend is now defined as “anyone you have ever met before…ever.”  This is the main reason that it is so easy/fun to defriend people.  Now, I don’t usually defriend people on a whim.  It almost always comes after several major Facebook infractions have been made.  Here’s my Top 5 reasons I’m going to defriend you.

5. Be someone I never cared about and never will.

Now to be honest, this isn’t the persons fault per say. I may have friended him/her on a whim or he/she may have friended me because we went to high school together.  No matter how it happened, its clear we’re not friends nor will we ever be so go away!  This also carries over to friend requests.  If you’re requesting me just because we went to school together, that sheesh ain’t gonna fly. We’re not friends, let’s not pretend we are. Instead, let’s just call it what it is. We’re acquaintances at most! So, until Facebook allows you to Acquaintance someone, just leave me alone.

Now here’s when we get into it being your fault.

4. Give me life lessons in your status updates.

Just stop. Stop trying to make it seem like you’re wise. Stop pretending that people read your status and think, “Yup, she really nailed it. I think I’ll turn my life around today. Thanks random person I met once at a party 6 years ago.”

3. Like Everything I do.

Everyone has one person like this. No matter what you post – a picture, link, video, status update, change your marital status, new friend, etc. – they Like it.  You know what’s ironic here, I DON’T LIKE THAT YOU DO THAT. I mean, how creepy can you get. Can you imagine if I just followed you around every day and whenever you did anything, I said, “Hey man, I like that!” Not only that, but you cheapen the Like button every time you do that. There’s no way that you can Like everything I do, it’s impossible. Unless you are simply impressed that I learned how to update my status or that I didn’t forget how to change my profile pic. Maybe I’m just impressing you with my infinite knowledge of the book. Either way, back off!

2. Invite Me To Apps I Will Never Care About

Mob wars? Really? Is it still 2003. High School Year Book app? What the hell do you think Facebook is!? Just stop it! How could you possibly think that I’d be interested in this. Here’s a rule of thumb for inviting friends to apps.

If, and only if, you add an app and use it every day for a month and still enjoy it, then you can invite me.

Because odds are, you’ll be tired of that app before I even have a chance to respond to your request.  The fact that you think I’d enjoy this shows just how little you know me and is 100% proof we shouldn’t be friends in real life or in fake life.

And the number 1 way to get defriended on Facebook?

1. Post “Sexy” Pictures of Yourself in the Mirror

It can’t be any more straight forward than that. Kissy face in the mirror in your bikini? Defriended. Rippling abs with your shirt pulled up half way in the mirror? Defriended. I don’t remember, is this the JerseyShoreBook or Facebook? NO ONE CARES. No one is really saying “daayyyaammmmm” when they see your pasty body all over their news feeds. They’re saying “Really, random girl I went to middle school with who now lives in Brockton and is a server at Friendly’s, you thought that was a good idea?” As for the guys, it may be a little jealousy but that’s neither here nor there. Either way, put your mega deep v back on all the way, and go get your jager bomb on.

If you’re reading this, and you have been defriended by me in the past, I hope you understand now why I did it. That’s all for today’s Friday Top 5. Don’t forget to signup and get these posts in your email.

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22 responses

  1. This literally had me laughing at loud!! I’ve defriended people for four out of five of these reasons!

    March 16, 2012 at 11:40 am

    • Thanks for the comment. Isn’t defriending people such a great feeling? It’s like cleaning your room, except instead of throwing out old gogurt tubes, you’re just throwing out people.

      March 16, 2012 at 11:43 am

      • Haha that’s a great idea. Only positive non-annoying thoughts

        March 16, 2012 at 1:10 pm

      • buzzin

        Omygod. What kind of response was that??? Hahahaha

        March 17, 2012 at 5:54 am

  2. This is very funny! Good stuff!

    Kati
    toughmotivation.wordpress.com

    March 16, 2012 at 11:59 am

    • Thanks Kati, glad you enjoyed it.

      March 16, 2012 at 12:02 pm

  3. You and I may be the same person. I wrote a piece about “Facebook Fouls” for a site I write for, and almost ALL of our reasons are the same. This makes you awesome in my book *high five*

    March 19, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    • Haha thanks. I always appreciate a person who is annoyed by the same things I am. I totally felt that high five by the way, my hand is all red!

      March 19, 2012 at 1:06 pm

  4. Why do people think it’s a good idea to take pictures of themselves in the mirror? …Actually wait, when I think about it, these are far and away the funniest pictures on my news feed.

    March 19, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    • that’s true, but they’re funny in a sad way.

      March 19, 2012 at 7:33 pm

  5. Kalis

    When I started reading your blog, I didn’t realize you’d be using my life story. Working at Friendly’s and bikini shots are all I have!

    March 20, 2012 at 2:26 pm

  6. I would agree with you on these! I would probably have to replace the liking everything I do with “Bad spelling / grammar.”

    March 21, 2012 at 11:34 am

    • Omg i’m right with you. I love lighting people up for bad grammar and spelling. its one of my favorite hobbies.

      March 21, 2012 at 11:36 am

  7. Haha those ‘sexy’ pics always look so contrived. Then you see their ironing board and mess in the background. Sexay!

    March 28, 2012 at 9:21 am

    • haha i love it, no planning what so ever. although if they did plan, they wouldn’t have done that picture at all.

      March 28, 2012 at 1:11 pm

  8. this is great! i got so tired of all of these things that i just had to delete my entire account. ugh. 🙂

    March 30, 2012 at 11:15 pm

    • haha that’s one way to avoid all those idiots.

      March 30, 2012 at 11:19 pm

  9. Pingback: Top 5 Ways To Make My Day The Worst Ever « It's Your World, I'm Just Living In It

  10. And people who PM you every time you get online … and usually its one of the ones you described in #5 .. It drives me nuts ! I think I may have to have a Facebook “Clean Up” myself … 😉

    April 7, 2012 at 3:06 am

  11. This made me laugh outloud. I’m in a love/hate/loathe relationship with FB. Sometimes I just ignore it for weeks at a time to regain my sanity. Love the post!

    April 23, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    • ha thanks for the comment. in coming dangerously close to eliminating my fb account. publicizing my blog is all it exists for now

      April 23, 2012 at 9:22 pm

      • Can’t say as I blame you. I go into electronic hibernation every once and a while and now that I have a blog I’m almost never on FB anymore. Too many damn sites to keep up. I simply don’t have that much to say! 🙂

        April 23, 2012 at 9:37 pm

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