How To Be Amazing and Terrible At Cooking At The Same Time
As you all know, I’m trying to expand my horizons in the kitchen. I’m trying to learn as much as I can so I can some day call myself a good cook. As you learned in my last kitchenly post, I couldn’t be further from earning that title.
So last weekend, I was doing some grocery shopping. I was crossing off the usual items on my list:
turkey breast American cheese apples oranges 9 lbs of chicken (seriously)
As I was tossing my chicken in the shopping cart, I heard an old man in his motorized chair yell to one of the meat men (not sure that is his exact title, but you get the point), “Hey, where’s the corn beef?” At first Ron the Meat Man (yup, he just went from grocer to professional wrestler) didn’t hear the old man, so he said it again. “Hey! Where’s the corn beef?!” and I’m standing there thinking to myself, Yeah, where is the corn beef?
That’s when I realized I was standing right next to the corn beef brisket section. I grabbed a package to see what the deal was, and two pieces of information that I saw pretty much guaranteed I’d be buying some CBB (corn beef brisket for the kitchenly impaired).
- The cooking instructions on the package was 6 lines long, I can do that.
- $1.79 per pound?! I’m in!
So I bought the CBB, went straight home and cooked that hunk of gross looking meat up! It was so easy:
- Place CBB into pot.
- Cover with water.
- Bring to a boil.
- Add spices (which were included so I didn’t have to think)
- Simmer for 3 hours.
- Eat that bad boy!
So I followed the instructions, 3 hours later, I came back to the kitchen and pulled this glorious piece of meat out of a disgusting pot of water.
Delicious much? Too much! Much too much! Though it becomes a lot less appetizing when you look at the pot of water it came out of.
So I bought the meat and I cooked it to near perfection. Here’s where it becomes obvious that I’m still an amateur cook. I called my mom to brag about the new addition to Chef Telian’s Cook Book (after sending her a picture of that stunning lump of meat of course.) She gave me the, “Oh I’m so proud of you. You’re the best son ever. Why did we even keep your sister,” response that she always does. Then she asked a question that made me question my self worth.
“Did you make any potatoes or cabbage with it?”
And of course, what was my response?
“No. Because I’m a stupid idiot face who doesn’t know how to cook and can’t even think to buy a second food to go with his CBB!”
That’s why today for lunch, I had corn beef brisket and nothing else. And I’m freaking starving! I need some starches up in this beast!
What kind of a moron doesn’t know to make cabbage with some CBB. More importantly, how stupid am I to not even make anything at all. Even if it was completely wrong and didn’t go with corn beef at all, at least I could’ve shown some sort of coherent thought process, but no. Instead, I’m stuck with my tupperware of corn beef brisket and no sides.
Either way, I have taken a step forward in my journey through the Kitchenly Forest. It doesn’t matter that it is was a very small step forward, a step with accompanied but 0 sides.