Posts tagged “coffee

Just What I Thought – I’m Invincible! Are You?

Yes. I am invincible. That’s right! No one can see me!

Just kidding, I know there’s a difference. Seriously though, I’m invincible. Just ask MSNBC.  This is according to an article they published yesterday, on something called Vitals.

Isn’t that just amazing? By drinking coffee, you reduce your risk of death! I mean just think about all of the ways people have tried to avoid dying – magic potions, age fighting creams and chemicals, Benjamin Button-ing yourself. All this time, all they really needed to do was drink coffee! That’s just kray.

Let’s be honest here, who wouldn’t want to reduce their risk of death? Up until this point, your risk of death was 100%. Now with coffee, who knows what it is. 50%? 5%? The possibilities are endless…depending on how many decimal points you use. Most normal studies only try to prove that a lifestyle change can increase life longevity or decrease risk of dying from a particular cause. But not at MSNBC. No way. They find out what’s going to keep us alive forever and that’s why they are now my 16th favorite website starting with “www.M”

So, to all of us coffee drinkers, let’s just relax. What’s the rush? We’re going to live forever. Anyone up for a movie night? Okay, let’s plan to meet, Friday May 18, 4625. Say around 7 PM?  We’ll catch the new Men In Black 436.


Top 5 Ways To Make My Day The Worst Ever

Welcome back to another installment of the Friday Top 5. As you may have noticed from my previous posts, like Top 5 Snobs and Reasons You Got Defriended, there are a lot of things that annoy me. I’m going to use this week’s FT5 to continue that trend. While the other posts were more about the people we all hate – hipsters, facebook stalkers, and Apple snobs – this is going to be a little different. For this Top 5, it’s more about the little things, usually out of anyone’s control that just have a way of quickly and efficiently ruining my day.

5. Finding Out Your Coffee Is Cold

It’s 10 AM, you’re sitting at your desk working. You’ve been sipping on your coffee for the last 30 minutes which has allowed you to hold off on eating your breakfast.  This, in turn, means you’ll be able to make it past noon before eating your lunch! That’s a great start to the day if you ask me. You can’t remember how long it’s been since you last sipped your coffee, but you’re yearning for more of that sweet, sweet nectar. You grab the mug, put it to your lips, and boom goes the dynamite – room temperature coffee. 

Talk about a surprise that can ruin your day!  Little known fact, room temperature coffee, or as I started calling it just before writing this sentence, RTC, is actually the leading cause of work place semi-upsetedness in America.

4. Noticing A Stain On The Way Out The Door

I don’t know about you guys, but in the morning I usually get dressed in the dark. As most of you know after reading, I’m Not An Adult and Here’s Why, I love my snooze button and I challenge myself to get ready as quickly as possible.  So usually, when I’m getting dressed, I’ve only been up for about 30 seconds and I keep my lights off to be kind to my eyes. I throw on my clothes, run upstairs, pack my lunch, and breakfast and head out the door, only to notice a small little stain left behind from my buffalo chicken last week.

Time to rewind! I sprint downstairs as I’m ripping off my shirt, rifle through my closet looking for something that goes with everything I’m already wearing. Boom, blue striped shirt? Done! I sprint back upstairs, run to the car, slide over the hood Luke Duke style, peel out and make it to work with 12.3 seconds to spare.

I’m just glad I didn’t show up with the stain on my shirt. It’s impossible to be taken seriously when that happens. It’s just like there’s a poppy seed in your teeth or a boogs in your nose. I’ve got no clue what you’re saying because I can’t take my eye off it. But here’s the rub. That shirt I tore off this morning? There’s a 97% chance I’m going to forget why it’s there, hang it back up in the closet, and go through this whole ordeal again next week.

3. The Coldest Bathing Suit In The World,

Its Day #2 of your beach vacation. Yesterday was awesome; you grilled, you drank, you threw a football at a group of girls and made a diving catch to impress them and convinced them to come back to your epic beach party to wrap up the summer with Stifler and the gang.

Anyway, after a long day of swimming and and relaxing, you toss your bathing suit on the bathroom floor and pass out. The next morning, everyone is ready to go at it again. You grab your bathing suit, slide it on, and then it hits you like a ton of wet bricks.

Your bathing suit is still wet. There is honestly no piece of clothing that is worst to wear than a wet bathing suit. It’s cold and it’s heavy and it’s just terrible. Honestly, I assume death just feel like one giant wet bathing suit.

2. You’re Missing An Ingredient

In some of my posts, I’ve made it clear that I am not the best cook in the world. I’m still learning my way around the kitchen, but one mistake that I have made dozens of times and I’m sure you have too is starting something without being properly equipped.  A couple nights ago, I decided I would treat myself, so I poured a bowl of my favorite cereal in the world, Grape Nuts Fruity Pebbles. Unfortunately, I didn’t put the in necessary leg work.  I soon realized, as I opened the refrigerator, I had no milk! No freaking milk!

Ever wonder what it would be like to run down stairs on Christmas morning and see no presents under the tree? I did, then I poured that bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Now I know exactly what that would feel like: epic disappointment, utter failure, and a tiny bit of your soul dying. It doesn’t even matter that you get milk the next day and eat that bowl, it’s too late, that was the worst day ever.

PS I’ve also done this with PB&J (forgot the J), made meat for a spaghetti meat sauce (forgot the sauce), and made a hotdog (no buns or bread).

I seriously can not believe I found a picture this perfect!

And the number 1 way to ruin my day…

1. I Try To Impress You With A Stat And You Crush Me!

Example Conversation:

Me: Hey! So guess how many pounds I’ve lost this month on my diet.

Day Ruiner: I dunno, like 15?

Me: No… 6. Whatever.

Here’s a breakdown of what just happened. I asked a question with an answer that I assumed would impress my friend. My friend realized that so he, in turn, guessed an answer that would impress him. Unfortunately, the real answer has not broken his “I’m impressed threshold.”  So now I’m just a loser for thinking I’m impressive when Im not and on top of it , I’m mad at myself for not losing 15 pounds this month.

Day = Worst Ever!


It’s Time To Make The Coffee

I’m just going to get straight to the point here.  I bought a coffee maker today and I’m pretty excited.  Now, as you all know, I’m convinced I’m not an adult yet and based on my last few posts I’m sure I’ve convinced you all as well.  Nonetheless, I bought this coffee maker, which I believe to be a sign that I’m headed in the right direction.

Coffee in the morning = A staple of adulthood.  Drinking coffee in the morning is on the same level as watching the weather channel when the weather is fine.  It just says to the world, “Sup, I’m an adult yo.”  Maybe not in those exact words, but you know what I’m saying.

Here’s the best part.  Actually there are two best parts.

Here’s the best part part 1.  Not only do I get to feel like an adult by making/drinking coffee in the morning everyday, but I’ll also get to look like an adult because I’ll have my stainless steel coffee mug letting everyone around me know I’m an adult.  Yeah, you look at the mug and it says, “Sup, this guy sipping from me is an adult yo.” Maybe not in those exact words, but you know what I’m saying.

And here’s the best part part 2. Last week I wrote about not being an adult because I wasn’t a morning person.  Well I feel like this is going to help turn that around.  I think having coffee to drink in the morning will make me want to get out of bed earlier and be a real human person.  Because we all know, the best part of waking up, is Folger’s in your cup! (Actually, I’ll probably by Dunkin Donuts brand coffee, but you get the picture.)

Now to be honest, I have absolutely no clue if this is going to change anything at all.  For all I know, I may never use this thing and it could be a complete waste of money. Luckily, I bought it from Barnes and Noble where I had a $50 gift card so it’s a win win! I should have it by the end of the week, and will be enjoying from

So starting next week, I will be drinking some delicious coffee made every morning by this one cup master of the dark roast. Can’t wait to tell you all about it.

P.S. I know what you’re all thinking.  The step forward taken towards adulthood by buying a coffee maker is negated by the fact that I bought this coffee maker from Barnes & Noble. Just be quiet.

P.P.S. If you have any suggestions on the type of coffee and/or creamers I should buy I’m all ears. I love to mix things up a little.