This is the first installment of the Friday Top 5 series. Enjoy!
Oh Facebook, how you have changed the world. Facebook has changed more than just the world though, it has also changed the definition of friend. According to Facebook, the word friend is now defined as “anyone you have ever met before…ever.” This is the main reason that it is so easy/fun to defriend people. Now, I don’t usually defriend people on a whim. It almost always comes after several major Facebook infractions have been made. Here’s my Top 5 reasons I’m going to defriend you.
5. Be someone I never cared about and never will.
Now to be honest, this isn’t the persons fault per say. I may have friended him/her on a whim or he/she may have friended me because we went to high school together. No matter how it happened, its clear we’re not friends nor will we ever be so go away! This also carries over to friend requests. If you’re requesting me just because we went to school together, that sheesh ain’t gonna fly. We’re not friends, let’s not pretend we are. Instead, let’s just call it what it is. We’re acquaintances at most! So, until Facebook allows you to Acquaintance someone, just leave me alone.
Now here’s when we get into it being your fault.
4. Give me life lessons in your status updates.
Just stop. Stop trying to make it seem like you’re wise. Stop pretending that people read your status and think, “Yup, she really nailed it. I think I’ll turn my life around today. Thanks random person I met once at a party 6 years ago.”
3. Like Everything I do.
Everyone has one person like this. No matter what you post – a picture, link, video, status update, change your marital status, new friend, etc. – they Like it. You know what’s ironic here, I DON’T LIKE THAT YOU DO THAT. I mean, how creepy can you get. Can you imagine if I just followed you around every day and whenever you did anything, I said, “Hey man, I like that!” Not only that, but you cheapen the Like button every time you do that. There’s no way that you can Like everything I do, it’s impossible. Unless you are simply impressed that I learned how to update my status or that I didn’t forget how to change my profile pic. Maybe I’m just impressing you with my infinite knowledge of the book. Either way, back off!
2. Invite Me To Apps I Will Never Care About
Mob wars? Really? Is it still 2003. High School Year Book app? What the hell do you think Facebook is!? Just stop it! How could you possibly think that I’d be interested in this. Here’s a rule of thumb for inviting friends to apps.
If, and only if, you add an app and use it every day for a month and still enjoy it, then you can invite me.
Because odds are, you’ll be tired of that app before I even have a chance to respond to your request. The fact that you think I’d enjoy this shows just how little you know me and is 100% proof we shouldn’t be friends in real life or in fake life.
And the number 1 way to get defriended on Facebook?
1. Post “Sexy” Pictures of Yourself in the Mirror
It can’t be any more straight forward than that. Kissy face in the mirror in your bikini? Defriended. Rippling abs with your shirt pulled up half way in the mirror? Defriended. I don’t remember, is this the JerseyShoreBook or Facebook? NO ONE CARES. No one is really saying “daayyyaammmmm” when they see your pasty body all over their news feeds. They’re saying “Really, random girl I went to middle school with who now lives in Brockton and is a server at Friendly’s, you thought that was a good idea?” As for the guys, it may be a little jealousy but that’s neither here nor there. Either way, put your mega deep v back on all the way, and go get your jager bomb on.
If you’re reading this, and you have been defriended by me in the past, I hope you understand now why I did it. That’s all for today’s Friday Top 5. Don’t forget to signup and get these posts in your email.