Posts tagged “humor

Just What I Thought – I’m Invincible! Are You?

Yes. I am invincible. That’s right! No one can see me!

Just kidding, I know there’s a difference. Seriously though, I’m invincible. Just ask MSNBC.  This is according to an article they published yesterday, on something called Vitals.

Isn’t that just amazing? By drinking coffee, you reduce your risk of death! I mean just think about all of the ways people have tried to avoid dying – magic potions, age fighting creams and chemicals, Benjamin Button-ing yourself. All this time, all they really needed to do was drink coffee! That’s just kray.

Let’s be honest here, who wouldn’t want to reduce their risk of death? Up until this point, your risk of death was 100%. Now with coffee, who knows what it is. 50%? 5%? The possibilities are endless…depending on how many decimal points you use. Most normal studies only try to prove that a lifestyle change can increase life longevity or decrease risk of dying from a particular cause. But not at MSNBC. No way. They find out what’s going to keep us alive forever and that’s why they are now my 16th favorite website starting with “www.M”

So, to all of us coffee drinkers, let’s just relax. What’s the rush? We’re going to live forever. Anyone up for a movie night? Okay, let’s plan to meet, Friday May 18, 4625. Say around 7 PM?  We’ll catch the new Men In Black 436.


Twitter: Eliminate Stupidity, Add an Application Process

As a marketing/social media professional, I look at some of these new communications platforms and see some great opportunities. Red Bull ran an awesome contest featuring the new timeline format of the Facebook pages. Jell-O ran a crazy promotion on Twitter which actually gaged the overall happiness level of the Twittersphere. The opportunities for businesses are endless and seeing these new innovations is one of the best things about being in social media.

That being said, I think it’s time we fix Twitter. It has become the place where a person’s every thought is listed out for the world to see. Before Twitter, if you were watching Chris Brown present at the Grammy’s and wanted to make a joke about letting him hit you, you’d just think it, or say it to your friends in the room.

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Top 5 Road Rage Inducing Drivers. P.S. I Hate You

It’s that time again, here is your Friday Top 5. And yes, once again it is about people that everyone hates. I’m starting to see a pattern emerging here. Anyway, I know you’re all with me on this one. There are certain things some people do that just fill you with a white hot ball of rage when you’re driving, and these are them.

5.  I Use My Blinker While Merging

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Grocery Shopping On A Diet = Groundhog Day

Let’s be honest, dieting is the worst. It makes everything around you boring as hell.

Your food is boring.

Your choice of restaurants is boring.

Your experimental cooking is boring.

And as I noticed this weekend, your grocery shopping is boring.

When you’re a kid/an adult who doesn’t care about his weight, grocery shopping is like a bi-weekly Christmas for your stomach. It’s exciting, refreshing, fulfilling, and you never know what amazing things you’re going to get. Think about it.

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The Definition of Adding Insult to Injury

Sometimes in this world, you see things and just have to wonder what someone was thinking when they created it. I was driving down the street and saw a guy using a product that inspired that exact thought. What were you thinking, Dr. Medical Scientist?

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Top 5 TGIF Shows

Welcome back to the next nstallment of the FT5. This week is a throwback, looking at the Top 5 TGIF Shows.

Honorable Mention – Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper.

This was just a great show. Mr. Cooper was funny and tall, everything you look for in a black sitcom star. The reason it didn’t make the list though is that I didn’t even think of it until it showed up in a search for TGIF shows. These, 5 on the other hand, were no-brainers.

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How To Be Amazing and Terrible At Cooking At The Same Time

As you all know, I’m trying to expand my horizons in the kitchen. I’m trying to learn as much as I can so I can some day call myself a good cook. As you learned in my last kitchenly post, I couldn’t be further from earning that title.

So last weekend, I was doing some grocery shopping. I was crossing off the usual items on my list:

      • turkey breast
      • American cheese
      • apples
      • oranges
      • 9 lbs of chicken (seriously)

As I was tossing my chicken in the shopping cart, I heard an old man in his motorized chair yell to one of the meat men (not sure that is his exact title, but you get the point), “Hey, where’s the corn beef?” At first Ron the Meat Man (yup, he just went from grocer to professional wrestler) didn’t hear the old man, so he said it again. “Hey! Where’s the corn beef?!” and I’m standing there thinking to myself, Yeah, where is the corn beef? 

That’s when I realized I was standing right next to the corn beef brisket section. I grabbed a package to see what the deal was, and two pieces of information that I saw pretty much guaranteed I’d be buying some CBB (corn beef brisket for the kitchenly impaired).

  1. The cooking instructions on the package was 6 lines long, I can do that.
  2. $1.79 per pound?! I’m in!

With Juices?! Don't mind if I do!

So I bought the CBB, went straight home and cooked that hunk of gross looking meat up! It was so easy:

    1. Place CBB into pot.
    2. Cover with water.
    3. Bring to a boil.
    4. Add spices (which were included so I didn’t have to think)
    5. Simmer for 3 hours.
    6. Eat that bad boy! 

So I followed the instructions, 3 hours later, I came back to the kitchen and pulled this glorious piece of meat out of a disgusting pot of water.

I know, I need to work on my plating/presenting skills but I'll get there.

Delicious much? Too much! Much too much! Though it becomes a lot less appetizing when you look at the pot of water it came out of.

Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof!

So I bought the meat and I cooked it to near perfection. Here’s where it becomes obvious that I’m still an amateur cook. I called my mom to brag about the new addition to Chef Telian’s Cook Book (after sending her a picture of that stunning lump of meat of course.)  She gave me the, “Oh I’m so proud of you. You’re the best son ever. Why did we even keep your sister,” response that she always does. Then she asked a question that made me question my self worth.

“Did you make any potatoes or cabbage with it?” 

And of course, what was my response?

“No. Because I’m a stupid idiot face who doesn’t know how to cook and can’t even think to buy a second food to go with his CBB!”

That’s why today for lunch, I had corn beef brisket and nothing else. And I’m freaking starving! I need some starches up in this beast!

What kind of a moron doesn’t know to make cabbage with some CBB. More importantly, how stupid am I to not even make anything at all. Even if it was completely wrong and didn’t go with corn beef at all, at least I could’ve shown some sort of coherent thought process, but no. Instead, I’m stuck with my tupperware of corn beef brisket and no sides.

Either way, I have taken a step forward in my journey through the Kitchenly Forest. It doesn’t matter that it is was a very small step forward, a step with accompanied but 0 sides.


Top 5 Ways To Make My Day The Worst Ever

Welcome back to another installment of the Friday Top 5. As you may have noticed from my previous posts, like Top 5 Snobs and Reasons You Got Defriended, there are a lot of things that annoy me. I’m going to use this week’s FT5 to continue that trend. While the other posts were more about the people we all hate – hipsters, facebook stalkers, and Apple snobs – this is going to be a little different. For this Top 5, it’s more about the little things, usually out of anyone’s control that just have a way of quickly and efficiently ruining my day.

5. Finding Out Your Coffee Is Cold

It’s 10 AM, you’re sitting at your desk working. You’ve been sipping on your coffee for the last 30 minutes which has allowed you to hold off on eating your breakfast.  This, in turn, means you’ll be able to make it past noon before eating your lunch! That’s a great start to the day if you ask me. You can’t remember how long it’s been since you last sipped your coffee, but you’re yearning for more of that sweet, sweet nectar. You grab the mug, put it to your lips, and boom goes the dynamite – room temperature coffee. 

Talk about a surprise that can ruin your day!  Little known fact, room temperature coffee, or as I started calling it just before writing this sentence, RTC, is actually the leading cause of work place semi-upsetedness in America.

4. Noticing A Stain On The Way Out The Door

I don’t know about you guys, but in the morning I usually get dressed in the dark. As most of you know after reading, I’m Not An Adult and Here’s Why, I love my snooze button and I challenge myself to get ready as quickly as possible.  So usually, when I’m getting dressed, I’ve only been up for about 30 seconds and I keep my lights off to be kind to my eyes. I throw on my clothes, run upstairs, pack my lunch, and breakfast and head out the door, only to notice a small little stain left behind from my buffalo chicken last week.

Time to rewind! I sprint downstairs as I’m ripping off my shirt, rifle through my closet looking for something that goes with everything I’m already wearing. Boom, blue striped shirt? Done! I sprint back upstairs, run to the car, slide over the hood Luke Duke style, peel out and make it to work with 12.3 seconds to spare.

I’m just glad I didn’t show up with the stain on my shirt. It’s impossible to be taken seriously when that happens. It’s just like there’s a poppy seed in your teeth or a boogs in your nose. I’ve got no clue what you’re saying because I can’t take my eye off it. But here’s the rub. That shirt I tore off this morning? There’s a 97% chance I’m going to forget why it’s there, hang it back up in the closet, and go through this whole ordeal again next week.

3. The Coldest Bathing Suit In The World,

Its Day #2 of your beach vacation. Yesterday was awesome; you grilled, you drank, you threw a football at a group of girls and made a diving catch to impress them and convinced them to come back to your epic beach party to wrap up the summer with Stifler and the gang.

Anyway, after a long day of swimming and and relaxing, you toss your bathing suit on the bathroom floor and pass out. The next morning, everyone is ready to go at it again. You grab your bathing suit, slide it on, and then it hits you like a ton of wet bricks.

Your bathing suit is still wet. There is honestly no piece of clothing that is worst to wear than a wet bathing suit. It’s cold and it’s heavy and it’s just terrible. Honestly, I assume death just feel like one giant wet bathing suit.

2. You’re Missing An Ingredient

In some of my posts, I’ve made it clear that I am not the best cook in the world. I’m still learning my way around the kitchen, but one mistake that I have made dozens of times and I’m sure you have too is starting something without being properly equipped.  A couple nights ago, I decided I would treat myself, so I poured a bowl of my favorite cereal in the world, Grape Nuts Fruity Pebbles. Unfortunately, I didn’t put the in necessary leg work.  I soon realized, as I opened the refrigerator, I had no milk! No freaking milk!

Ever wonder what it would be like to run down stairs on Christmas morning and see no presents under the tree? I did, then I poured that bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Now I know exactly what that would feel like: epic disappointment, utter failure, and a tiny bit of your soul dying. It doesn’t even matter that you get milk the next day and eat that bowl, it’s too late, that was the worst day ever.

PS I’ve also done this with PB&J (forgot the J), made meat for a spaghetti meat sauce (forgot the sauce), and made a hotdog (no buns or bread).

I seriously can not believe I found a picture this perfect!

And the number 1 way to ruin my day…

1. I Try To Impress You With A Stat And You Crush Me!

Example Conversation:

Me: Hey! So guess how many pounds I’ve lost this month on my diet.

Day Ruiner: I dunno, like 15?

Me: No… 6. Whatever.

Here’s a breakdown of what just happened. I asked a question with an answer that I assumed would impress my friend. My friend realized that so he, in turn, guessed an answer that would impress him. Unfortunately, the real answer has not broken his “I’m impressed threshold.”  So now I’m just a loser for thinking I’m impressive when Im not and on top of it , I’m mad at myself for not losing 15 pounds this month.

Day = Worst Ever!


Apparently My Blog = “Gay Aging Porn Stars With Mustaches”

So as part of the WordPress analytics, which I think are amazing, they track all of the places where your visitors come from. Most of mine are from Facebook, Twitter, and WordPress. Once in a while, I’ll get a google search for “Adam T blog” or “It’s your world,” but today, I got a bomb dropped on me. 

Seriously? I don’t even know what to say about this. I mean, traffic is traffic but I am seriously concerned. I think the biggest question that comes to mind is whether or not my blog was actually what this guy was looking for? Like, did he search that, find my website and think to himself, “That’s the one! Google, you have done it again you sly son of a gun!”  More importantly, is this the audience that is reading my blog, fans of aging gay porn stars with mustaches?

I guess there’s only one way to find out.

It’s not like a write about mustache clad porn stars all the time. Unlike my other blog, www.MustacheCladPornStars.org where that’s all I talk about, I barely ever write about them on It’s Your World! I mean one time I write about porn mustaches and I become the king of “gay aging porn stars with mustaches!”  You know what else is perplexing? Where the hell did “gay” and “aging” coming from?!  Now you’re just twisting my words and I won’t stand for it. 

I think one of the most amazing things about this whole situation is that this guy must have been doing a serious deep dive into this Google search. I mean, I went through the first 20 pages of google when I searched this and my blog was no where to be found. I would’ve kept going but my eyes were starting to burn after reading some of the titles of the pages I was passing. BTDubs, who knew gay guys loved Twinkies so much.

I mean, there’s got to be an easier way to find my blog than to troll through dozens of porn sites dedicated to old gay mustachioed men. But, as I said earlier, traffic is traffic, and if this is what has to be searched for my blog to get big than so be it!  All I can do is thank you for reading and hope you’ll follow and share.

Oh and just for fun. Here are just a few more interesting google searches that for some unknown reason have produced my blog as a result:

  • guys says something girls get mad girls do something wrong girls get mad” – uhh… what?
  • “u talking on my back because u are jealous of me” – i can’t even picture what it means to talk on someone’s back. Unless back is new slang for phone. Then it makes sense.
  • “zack morris dead” – What?! NOOOO!!!!
  • “mustache do you recognise me now”  – I dunno about you, but I read this one like he was talking to his mustache, asking if it recognized him. They’ve been best friends for years, but last week he got a nose job and the mustache had no idea it was coming. Now he’s curious if the mustache knows it’s still him. No?

Top 5 Snobs We All Hate

First of all, I’d like to give quick hello and welcome to my new readers. Whether you found me on Freshly Pressed, your friends told you about it, or you just stumbled randomly onto my blog, I appreciate your readership and I look forward to giving and receiving some virtual high 5’s.

Now for the reason we’re all here. Today is Friday which means it’s Friday Top 5 time! I’ve decided this week we will showcase some people that 99% of the population can’t stand. They’re snobs. And not snobs because they’re rich. But snobs because they love something so much that you’re an idiot for not loving it like they do. So let’s get it started.

5. “I’m too busy reading to watch TV” Snobs –

Listen, I get reading. I finally started reading this past summer and I love it. That being said, I’ve been watching TV for 26 years and I love it more than the day I started. I don’t watch as much TV as I used to but I still have about 10 shows a week that I DVR. And as a TV person, I’m always curious what other people are watching and what they think of my shows. One night at a bar some girl made a statement that made gag and vomit at the same time. That’s right, I was gavomitting.

“I don’t own a TV, I read books.”

Here’s the thing, you all know how to read this too. She didn’t say it politely or sweetly. She said it with poison in her voice. Like I’m the scum of the earth for owning a TV and I should be wiped off her floor with a Swifter WetJet Mop. You know what lady? You’re the worst and there’s no two ways about it. (I’ve literally never used that saying before until now. Me – 1, Underdeveloped Vocabulary – 0). What kind of psychopath doesn’t like TV? That’s almost as bad as not liking bacon. Speaking of not liking bacon…

4. Vegetarian/Vegan Snobs –

There’s actually two kinds of these snobs that bother me.

Don’t get me wrong, if you’re a vegetarian, all the power to you. I don’t know how you can go without a nice ribeye or a McDouble, so good for you. But here’s where we start to have a problem – when I’m the bad guy for eating meat. Listen Mr. Berkenstocks, I don’t get mad at you for eating kelp, so don’t get mad at me for eating that cow over there.

The other vegetarians that make me want to go drink a steak smoothie are the people that say, “Meat is disgusting.” Is there a dumber statement than that? And not just because they’re out of their minds either. I mean granted, there is nothing better in this world than bacon. NOTHING. Bacon makes everything better, no questions asked. But also because there’s no way they’ve eaten every meat in the world. And even if they had, they’re just being stubborn little d-bags if they say they’re all bad. You would think someone was nuts if they said, “All movies are bad,” or “All pictures of Winnie from the Wonder Years are ugly.” So why is it acceptable to say, “All meat is disgusting.” Speaking of meat being disgusting…

3. Too Cool For School (And/or Everything) Snobs – AKA Hipsters –

First of all, yes I know that was the all-time worst segue into anything ever and I’m proud of it!  K so back to hipsters. Listen, I know people have written about them til the cows came home, and yes they did come home, mostly because they were so sick of looking at those idiotic mustaches, they’re stupid bright colored skinny jeans, they’re disgust towards you for having any sort of emotion about anything ever, and they’re freaking scarves! OMG Those scarves, it’s 90 degrees out, your neck is dripping wet, yet you stick to your stupid, pathetically skinny guns, and keep that stupid scarf on! AHhhh!

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10… Ok and I’m relaxed again. Moving on…

2. The “I drive a ferrari, date models, have an 8 pack, own 3 houses and a villa, and I smell like liquid awesome” Snobs –

Okay that might just be a little jealousy but whatever.

and the Number 1 Snob That We All Hate…

1. Apple Snobs –

Everyone knows at least one of them. Let me paint you a mind picture. White ear bud headphones in 24/7. iTouch, iPhone, iPad  in his messenger bag at all times. That iPad he just had in his messenger back 3 seconds ago? He just threw it in a lake because the newer version is out and he’s running to get it right now. He’s got his Mac Book Air connected to his ultra thin wireless keyboard and mouse and he sits down at night to watch his Apple TV which is seamlessly synced to his iTunes, iPhone, iPad, MacBook, and his iToilet. And somehow, he’s got a date tonight with Siri.

We get it, you like Apple products. We get it, Apple products don’t get viruses. We get it, they’re sleek and hip. We get it, they put on cool webcasts that you skip work to watch and find out how the new OS is going to change your life. You know what Sir Douchealot, no one cares. People care as much about your love for Apple as people still care about Occupy Wall Street. In case you’re not sure, that would be not at all. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Wow… okay I need to just breathe a little bit. I just got so fired up with hatred writing that. I need to go play with a puppy or something. Don’t forget to sign up to get these posts in your email.


I’m A Guy and Even I Would Date Zack Morris!

Okay, why don’t we rewind a little bit so I can try to explain where this title is coming from.

My good friend Brenna has a blog, How I Met Ted Mosby, which is a great read. The other day she posted on her G-chat status, “Which TV character would you like to date?”  According to her most recent post, the responses poured in.  So much so that she turned the responses into a TV Boyfriend Bracket (on which the voting will begin soon).

Now, as a straight male, I have no desire to date any men, fictional or real. BUT, I am also comfortable enough with my sexuality to admit that if I were interested in dating some fictional men, I know who they would be and why. Which brings me back to my title.

If you checked out the bracket by now, you’d see that Zack Morris is a 6 seed. Let me repeat that. A 6 SEED. This is a joke right? You’re telling me that there are at least 20 guys you would date before Zack Morris? No way. Unacceptable. Here are a few that made the list higher than the Preppy, from top left to bottom right going across : 1 Seed – Coach Taylor (no clue who he is), 2 Seed – Marshall Eriksen (seriously), 3 Seed – Chandler Bing (straight up goober), 4 Seed – Ben Wyatt (I’ll be coming back to him later).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You’re telling me that all of these guys (and 16 more!) are ranked higher than the Zackster in a dateability contest? I’ll believe that when Jessie Spano gets addicted to caffeine pills again (which will be never because we all learned a valuable lesson that day.)

I mean, let’s think about this for a few minutes. Putting aside the acid washed jeans, high top sneakers, striped button downs tucked in with no belt, and the most famous cell phone ever, Zack Morris is the catch of a lifetime.  Just look at his resume.

Zack Morris

Education

Bay Side High School – Class of 1993

1502 SAT Score

California University – Class of 1997

Entrepreneurial Ventures

Friendship Bracelets

Girls of Bayside Calendar

Zit-Off Acne Cream

Extracurricular Activities

Zack Attack (Band) – Hit Song “Friends Forever”

Varsity Basketball

Varsity Track

It doesn’t really get much better than that. He’s a savvy businessman, a varsity athlete, a rock star, and he keeps his friends off drugs. Every girl’s soulmate ever much? And if you’re not convinced yet, then consider this. If Zack was able to keep the unforgettable Kelly Kapowski wrapped around his finger for 6+ seasons, I’m pretty sure he can lock up a measly 1 Seed in this TV Boyfriend Bracket.

It doesn’t end there though. 64 guys. 64 guys and no Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World?!? That’s like having a list of the top 64 Best Hair Guys and not including Shawn Hunter. This has gone from a travesty to a travesty squared. He’s a bad boy who writes poetry. He’s the 1990’s version of the Fonzie but with better hair and less jukebox punching. For God’s sake, they called him “Lips” when he was on the quiz bowl TV show!

Oh, and I mentioned I would be coming back to Ben Wyatt. His real name is Adam Scott and he was actually on a few episodes of Boy Meets World as Griff Hawkins (such a sick name BTDubs). He became the school’s new badass for a while when Harley Keiner (his first name was actually Harvey but he never told anyone that) got shipped off to military school.

So that’s my take on TV guys and their dateability. I know you’re all going to have your own opinions. Well bring it on, that’s what the comment section is all about. Don’t forget to follow the blog so you can get each post in your email.


I Want To Do Things!

Yeah, I sign my MS Paint drawings, so what?

As some of you know, I created a list of 32 things I want to do before I’m 32.  I’ve done 7 so far, mostly easy ones – water skiing, visit Denver, eat a 5 lb lobster – things like that.  But it’s time to step it up and get crackalackin on this list.  Things like cook dinner for 10 friends (I’m currently sitting at 4 friends, almost there!), go to Australia, go camping in a tent, and learn to do the windmill.  I’m loving this list; it’s got me doing things I’ve never done like salsa dancing and reading! I know, reading?! Crazy!

Here's my friend Emilio doing his windmill at my cousin's wedding. This will be me someday!

I plan to keep crossing things off this list over the next 5 years but there are also a bunch of things I’ve never done before that are on a much smaller scale.  Not life-altering things (not that eating everything on the dollar menu at McDonald’s is life-altering which is also on my list) but things that are easy to do that I haven’t done before.  So I’m making a 31 before 31 list to supplement my 32 before 32.  This will be 31 things that I want to do before December 31, 2012.  I’ve got a few of them figured out so far but I need a little help coming up with a list and that’s where you guys come in!

Here’s what I’ve got so far.

  1. Watch the Star Wars movies
  2. Eat really hot buffalo wings
  3. Go to a movie by myself
  4. Order an omelette
  5. Shut my phone off for an entire day
  6. Don’t use the internet for an entire day
  7. Go for a walk with no destination
  8. Go into Banana Republic and actually buy something
  9. Eat Indian food
  10. Go to a Rockies game

So that’s where I get stuck. I’m sure more things will come to me if I put some effort in but I’m not that kind of guy and I’d love some input from my readers. I’m just looking for simple, easy things that I may not have done before in my life. Just something little to spice things up a tad.

Feel free to fill up the comment section below and help compile solid 31 before 31 list.


Top 5 Reasons I Defriended You On Facebook

This is the first installment of the Friday Top 5 series. Enjoy!

Oh Facebook, how you have changed the world. Facebook has changed more than just the world though, it has also changed the definition of friend.  According to Facebook, the word friend is now defined as “anyone you have ever met before…ever.”  This is the main reason that it is so easy/fun to defriend people.  Now, I don’t usually defriend people on a whim.  It almost always comes after several major Facebook infractions have been made.  Here’s my Top 5 reasons I’m going to defriend you.

5. Be someone I never cared about and never will.

Now to be honest, this isn’t the persons fault per say. I may have friended him/her on a whim or he/she may have friended me because we went to high school together.  No matter how it happened, its clear we’re not friends nor will we ever be so go away!  This also carries over to friend requests.  If you’re requesting me just because we went to school together, that sheesh ain’t gonna fly. We’re not friends, let’s not pretend we are. Instead, let’s just call it what it is. We’re acquaintances at most! So, until Facebook allows you to Acquaintance someone, just leave me alone.

Now here’s when we get into it being your fault.

4. Give me life lessons in your status updates.

Just stop. Stop trying to make it seem like you’re wise. Stop pretending that people read your status and think, “Yup, she really nailed it. I think I’ll turn my life around today. Thanks random person I met once at a party 6 years ago.”

3. Like Everything I do.

Everyone has one person like this. No matter what you post – a picture, link, video, status update, change your marital status, new friend, etc. – they Like it.  You know what’s ironic here, I DON’T LIKE THAT YOU DO THAT. I mean, how creepy can you get. Can you imagine if I just followed you around every day and whenever you did anything, I said, “Hey man, I like that!” Not only that, but you cheapen the Like button every time you do that. There’s no way that you can Like everything I do, it’s impossible. Unless you are simply impressed that I learned how to update my status or that I didn’t forget how to change my profile pic. Maybe I’m just impressing you with my infinite knowledge of the book. Either way, back off!

2. Invite Me To Apps I Will Never Care About

Mob wars? Really? Is it still 2003. High School Year Book app? What the hell do you think Facebook is!? Just stop it! How could you possibly think that I’d be interested in this. Here’s a rule of thumb for inviting friends to apps.

If, and only if, you add an app and use it every day for a month and still enjoy it, then you can invite me.

Because odds are, you’ll be tired of that app before I even have a chance to respond to your request.  The fact that you think I’d enjoy this shows just how little you know me and is 100% proof we shouldn’t be friends in real life or in fake life.

And the number 1 way to get defriended on Facebook?

1. Post “Sexy” Pictures of Yourself in the Mirror

It can’t be any more straight forward than that. Kissy face in the mirror in your bikini? Defriended. Rippling abs with your shirt pulled up half way in the mirror? Defriended. I don’t remember, is this the JerseyShoreBook or Facebook? NO ONE CARES. No one is really saying “daayyyaammmmm” when they see your pasty body all over their news feeds. They’re saying “Really, random girl I went to middle school with who now lives in Brockton and is a server at Friendly’s, you thought that was a good idea?” As for the guys, it may be a little jealousy but that’s neither here nor there. Either way, put your mega deep v back on all the way, and go get your jager bomb on.

If you’re reading this, and you have been defriended by me in the past, I hope you understand now why I did it. That’s all for today’s Friday Top 5. Don’t forget to signup and get these posts in your email.


You Look Ridiculous

I have so much to say about mustaches, I don’t even know if I can get it all out in one post but I’m going to try.  Mustaches are nothing new.  Everyone has seen some great ones and some terrible ones in their lives.  I’ve learned a lot about them in my 26 years on Earth and I’ve come to a pretty obvious conclusion.

If you have a mustache and you are under 40 years old, you look RIDICULOUS.

That’s the absolute truth and it can’t be made any simpler than that. Now, I will admit, there are three exceptions to that golden rule. The first one is pretty common. The second two are not. If you are one of the people who think you fall under exception 2 or 3, I can say with almost 100% certainty that you are wrong. If you are 100% positive you fall under exception 2 or 3, I can say with almost 99% certainty, that you are wrong.

Here are my 3 exceptions to having a mustache before 40.

1. It’s Movember. Reason being, you’re not doing it to have a mustache. You’re doing it to support a worthy cause and I’m down with that.

2. You have an absolute glorious mustache. I’m not just talking about a full mustache.  I’m talking about a mustache you can store food in.  I’m talking about a mustache that you can shave and donate to the All Bald Community of St. Sebastians to create 10 wigs. (Totally made up that community. I wonder if there’s an all bald community somewhere. I bet Gillette is killing it there.) I’m talking Ron Swanson mustache. A mustache so thick, I’m questioning whether you even have an upper lip. A mustache so thick, your lower lip is concerned about an invasion.  A mustache so thick each mustache hair has a mustache that would put yours to shame.

3. You are a 70’s porn star. No, not you look like a 70’s porn star. You are a 70’s porn star. No, not you were a 70’s porn star. You literally, are a porn star in the 1970’s right now. It’s a quantum physics impossibility so there’s literally no one that can ever claim this exception.  I just don’t know everything there is to know about quantum physics or time travel so I thought I’d add it anyway.

This guy is so 70s porn star, he added a second 70s porn star mustache to his eyebrow. Impressive!

So, I’ve explained all of the exceptions to the 11th commandment.  Do you have any questions? If so, I have a created a flowchart for you to clear up any confusion.

I’m sure this flowchart has cleared up any questions that you may have had. While writing this post, I decided I am going to spread this issue out over two posts because there is just so much to say about mustaches under forty.

If you have a mustache and you are under 40 AND you believe you don’t look ridiculous, I’d love to hear your reasoning in the comment section. Keep in mind, no matter what you say, you are wrong.


It’s Time To Make The Coffee

I’m just going to get straight to the point here.  I bought a coffee maker today and I’m pretty excited.  Now, as you all know, I’m convinced I’m not an adult yet and based on my last few posts I’m sure I’ve convinced you all as well.  Nonetheless, I bought this coffee maker, which I believe to be a sign that I’m headed in the right direction.

Coffee in the morning = A staple of adulthood.  Drinking coffee in the morning is on the same level as watching the weather channel when the weather is fine.  It just says to the world, “Sup, I’m an adult yo.”  Maybe not in those exact words, but you know what I’m saying.

Here’s the best part.  Actually there are two best parts.

Here’s the best part part 1.  Not only do I get to feel like an adult by making/drinking coffee in the morning everyday, but I’ll also get to look like an adult because I’ll have my stainless steel coffee mug letting everyone around me know I’m an adult.  Yeah, you look at the mug and it says, “Sup, this guy sipping from me is an adult yo.” Maybe not in those exact words, but you know what I’m saying.

And here’s the best part part 2. Last week I wrote about not being an adult because I wasn’t a morning person.  Well I feel like this is going to help turn that around.  I think having coffee to drink in the morning will make me want to get out of bed earlier and be a real human person.  Because we all know, the best part of waking up, is Folger’s in your cup! (Actually, I’ll probably by Dunkin Donuts brand coffee, but you get the picture.)

Now to be honest, I have absolutely no clue if this is going to change anything at all.  For all I know, I may never use this thing and it could be a complete waste of money. Luckily, I bought it from Barnes and Noble where I had a $50 gift card so it’s a win win! I should have it by the end of the week, and will be enjoying from

So starting next week, I will be drinking some delicious coffee made every morning by this one cup master of the dark roast. Can’t wait to tell you all about it.

P.S. I know what you’re all thinking.  The step forward taken towards adulthood by buying a coffee maker is negated by the fact that I bought this coffee maker from Barnes & Noble. Just be quiet.

P.P.S. If you have any suggestions on the type of coffee and/or creamers I should buy I’m all ears. I love to mix things up a little.


If You’re Looking For A Job, I Know You Feel My Pain

No soup for you.

Its not you, its me.

License and registration.

What are these phrases? Oh, they’re only some of the worst things you can ever hear as a person.  It’s not you, its me? Shut up! Of course, its me! License and registration eh? Sir yes sir. Lovely weather we’re having, could I polish your shoes? No soup for me? Come on!

But there is one phrase that is worse than all of these.  It can crush a man’s soul, leave him weeping in a corner, cursing the gods, more confused than the average person listening to dub step. One phrase that leads to one inevitable statement and question.  That doesn’t even make sense! How is that possible?

You’re overqualified for the position.

Who? Little ole me? You must be mistaken. I can’t be overqualified for this position.  I’m an idiot! What? These degrees? They’re nothing. I faked them. Look, I’ll rip up the diploma right now.  Just give me the job! I’m overqualified? You’re overqualified!

Honestly, is there anything more infuriating to hear then to not get a job because you’re too awesome, too smart, too invested in your career, too in debt with school loans?  I would much rather be told that there was a better candidate or that I had a booger in my nose during than interview than to hear I’m too good.

Sorry Adam, we didn’t draft you into the MLB because you throw too hard.  Sorry sir, you didn’t win the lottery, you’re numbers were too exactly right.  Sorry God, you can’t be God, you’re too omnipotent.

It’s just amazing.  You spend weeks and months scouring the internet for a job that you’re qualified for that you won’t hate. A job that you should get hands down.

  • Bachelors degree from an accredited four year school. Major in business or marketing preferred – CHECK
  • 1-2 years experience in a related field – CHECK
  • The ability to meet deadlines, manage multiple projects, and learn on the job – CHECK
  • Proficiency in Microsoft Office – CHECK
  • The ability to breathe – CHECK
  • A pulse – CHECK
  • Knees – CHECK

Could I possibly have this job locked down any more?

Apparently yes.  I could have not done 4 internships and I could have not gone to school for an extra 2years to earn 2 Masters degrees. How stupid of me!

I wish HR managers around the world could read this right now because there is nothing more disheartening to hear that you didn’t get a job because you’re overqualified.  You clearly are in need of an employee. You obviously realize that I am qualified for the job.  Instead of giving it to some schmo that is less qualified than me, how about you just give me the job and more responsibility. Ever think of that?

I love this job market. Here’s what I’ve been able to gather in the last year.

  1. The masters degree is supposedly the new bachelors degree.
  2. A masters degree makes me too qualified for a job I couldn’t have gotten 3 years ago with just a bachelors degree.
  3. If I had just sat at home for 3 years, waiting for the job market to crash, I’d be perfectly qualified for hundreds of jobs!

So thank you world for proving once again that you’re an awful place.