Posts tagged “mustache

Apparently My Blog = “Gay Aging Porn Stars With Mustaches”

So as part of the WordPress analytics, which I think are amazing, they track all of the places where your visitors come from. Most of mine are from Facebook, Twitter, and WordPress. Once in a while, I’ll get a google search for “Adam T blog” or “It’s your world,” but today, I got a bomb dropped on me. 

Seriously? I don’t even know what to say about this. I mean, traffic is traffic but I am seriously concerned. I think the biggest question that comes to mind is whether or not my blog was actually what this guy was looking for? Like, did he search that, find my website and think to himself, “That’s the one! Google, you have done it again you sly son of a gun!”  More importantly, is this the audience that is reading my blog, fans of aging gay porn stars with mustaches?

I guess there’s only one way to find out.

It’s not like a write about mustache clad porn stars all the time. Unlike my other blog, www.MustacheCladPornStars.org where that’s all I talk about, I barely ever write about them on It’s Your World! I mean one time I write about porn mustaches and I become the king of “gay aging porn stars with mustaches!”  You know what else is perplexing? Where the hell did “gay” and “aging” coming from?!  Now you’re just twisting my words and I won’t stand for it. 

I think one of the most amazing things about this whole situation is that this guy must have been doing a serious deep dive into this Google search. I mean, I went through the first 20 pages of google when I searched this and my blog was no where to be found. I would’ve kept going but my eyes were starting to burn after reading some of the titles of the pages I was passing. BTDubs, who knew gay guys loved Twinkies so much.

I mean, there’s got to be an easier way to find my blog than to troll through dozens of porn sites dedicated to old gay mustachioed men. But, as I said earlier, traffic is traffic, and if this is what has to be searched for my blog to get big than so be it!  All I can do is thank you for reading and hope you’ll follow and share.

Oh and just for fun. Here are just a few more interesting google searches that for some unknown reason have produced my blog as a result:

  • guys says something girls get mad girls do something wrong girls get mad” – uhh… what?
  • “u talking on my back because u are jealous of me” – i can’t even picture what it means to talk on someone’s back. Unless back is new slang for phone. Then it makes sense.
  • “zack morris dead” – What?! NOOOO!!!!
  • “mustache do you recognise me now”  – I dunno about you, but I read this one like he was talking to his mustache, asking if it recognized him. They’ve been best friends for years, but last week he got a nose job and the mustache had no idea it was coming. Now he’s curious if the mustache knows it’s still him. No?

You Look Ridiculous

I have so much to say about mustaches, I don’t even know if I can get it all out in one post but I’m going to try.  Mustaches are nothing new.  Everyone has seen some great ones and some terrible ones in their lives.  I’ve learned a lot about them in my 26 years on Earth and I’ve come to a pretty obvious conclusion.

If you have a mustache and you are under 40 years old, you look RIDICULOUS.

That’s the absolute truth and it can’t be made any simpler than that. Now, I will admit, there are three exceptions to that golden rule. The first one is pretty common. The second two are not. If you are one of the people who think you fall under exception 2 or 3, I can say with almost 100% certainty that you are wrong. If you are 100% positive you fall under exception 2 or 3, I can say with almost 99% certainty, that you are wrong.

Here are my 3 exceptions to having a mustache before 40.

1. It’s Movember. Reason being, you’re not doing it to have a mustache. You’re doing it to support a worthy cause and I’m down with that.

2. You have an absolute glorious mustache. I’m not just talking about a full mustache.  I’m talking about a mustache you can store food in.  I’m talking about a mustache that you can shave and donate to the All Bald Community of St. Sebastians to create 10 wigs. (Totally made up that community. I wonder if there’s an all bald community somewhere. I bet Gillette is killing it there.) I’m talking Ron Swanson mustache. A mustache so thick, I’m questioning whether you even have an upper lip. A mustache so thick, your lower lip is concerned about an invasion.  A mustache so thick each mustache hair has a mustache that would put yours to shame.

3. You are a 70’s porn star. No, not you look like a 70’s porn star. You are a 70’s porn star. No, not you were a 70’s porn star. You literally, are a porn star in the 1970’s right now. It’s a quantum physics impossibility so there’s literally no one that can ever claim this exception.  I just don’t know everything there is to know about quantum physics or time travel so I thought I’d add it anyway.

This guy is so 70s porn star, he added a second 70s porn star mustache to his eyebrow. Impressive!

So, I’ve explained all of the exceptions to the 11th commandment.  Do you have any questions? If so, I have a created a flowchart for you to clear up any confusion.

I’m sure this flowchart has cleared up any questions that you may have had. While writing this post, I decided I am going to spread this issue out over two posts because there is just so much to say about mustaches under forty.

If you have a mustache and you are under 40 AND you believe you don’t look ridiculous, I’d love to hear your reasoning in the comment section. Keep in mind, no matter what you say, you are wrong.