Welcome back to the next nstallment of the FT5. This week is a throwback, looking at the Top 5 TGIF Shows.
Honorable Mention – Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper.
This was just a great show. Mr. Cooper was funny and tall, everything you look for in a black sitcom star. The reason it didn’t make the list though is that I didn’t even think of it until it showed up in a search for TGIF shows. These, 5 on the other hand, were no-brainers.
First of all, I’d like to give quick hello and welcome to my new readers. Whether you found me on Freshly Pressed, your friends told you about it, or you just stumbled randomly onto my blog, I appreciate your readership and I look forward to giving and receiving some virtual high 5’s.
Now for the reason we’re all here. Today is Friday which means it’s Friday Top 5 time! I’ve decided this week we will showcase some people that 99% of the population can’t stand. They’re snobs. And not snobs because they’re rich. But snobs because they love something so much that you’re an idiot for not loving it like they do. So let’s get it started.
5. “I’m too busy reading to watch TV” Snobs –
Listen, I get reading. I finally started reading this past summer and I love it. That being said, I’ve been watching TV for 26 years and I love it more than the day I started. I don’t watch as much TV as I used to but I still have about 10 shows a week that I DVR. And as a TV person, I’m always curious what other people are watching and what they think of my shows. One night at a bar some girl made a statement that made gag and vomit at the same time. That’s right, I was gavomitting.
“I don’t own a TV, I read books.”
Here’s the thing, you all know how to read this too. She didn’t say it politely or sweetly. She said it with poison in her voice. Like I’m the scum of the earth for owning a TV and I should be wiped off her floor with a Swifter WetJet Mop. You know what lady? You’re the worst and there’s no two ways about it. (I’ve literally never used that saying before until now. Me – 1, Underdeveloped Vocabulary – 0). What kind of psychopath doesn’t like TV? That’s almost as bad as not liking bacon. Speaking of not liking bacon…
4. Vegetarian/Vegan Snobs –
There’s actually two kinds of these snobs that bother me.
Don’t get me wrong, if you’re a vegetarian, all the power to you. I don’t know how you can go without a nice ribeye or a McDouble, so good for you. But here’s where we start to have a problem – when I’m the bad guy for eating meat. Listen Mr. Berkenstocks, I don’t get mad at you for eating kelp, so don’t get mad at me for eating that cow over there.
The other vegetarians that make me want to go drink a steak smoothie are the people that say, “Meat is disgusting.” Is there a dumber statement than that? And not just because they’re out of their minds either. I mean granted, there is nothing better in this world than bacon. NOTHING. Bacon makes everything better, no questions asked. But also because there’s no way they’ve eaten every meat in the world. And even if they had, they’re just being stubborn little d-bags if they say they’re all bad. You would think someone was nuts if they said, “All movies are bad,” or “All pictures of Winnie from the Wonder Years are ugly.” So why is it acceptable to say, “All meat is disgusting.” Speaking of meat being disgusting…
3. Too Cool For School (And/or Everything) Snobs – AKA Hipsters –
First of all, yes I know that was the all-time worst segue into anything ever and I’m proud of it! K so back to hipsters. Listen, I know people have written about them til the cows came home, and yes they did come home, mostly because they were so sick of looking at those idiotic mustaches, they’re stupid bright colored skinny jeans, they’re disgust towards you for having any sort of emotion about anything ever, and they’re freaking scarves! OMG Those scarves, it’s 90 degrees out, your neck is dripping wet, yet you stick to your stupid, pathetically skinny guns, and keep that stupid scarf on! AHhhh!
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10… Ok and I’m relaxed again. Moving on…
2. The “I drive a ferrari, date models, have an 8 pack, own 3 houses and a villa, and I smell like liquid awesome” Snobs –
Okay that might just be a little jealousy but whatever.
and the Number 1 Snob That We All Hate…
1. Apple Snobs –
Everyone knows at least one of them. Let me paint you a mind picture. White ear bud headphones in 24/7. iTouch, iPhone, iPad in his messenger bag at all times. That iPad he just had in his messenger back 3 seconds ago? He just threw it in a lake because the newer version is out and he’s running to get it right now. He’s got his Mac Book Air connected to his ultra thin wireless keyboard and mouse and he sits down at night to watch his Apple TV which is seamlessly synced to his iTunes, iPhone, iPad, MacBook, and his iToilet. And somehow, he’s got a date tonight with Siri.
We get it, you like Apple products. We get it, Apple products don’t get viruses. We get it, they’re sleek and hip. We get it, they put on cool webcasts that you skip work to watch and find out how the new OS is going to change your life. You know what Sir Douchealot, no one cares. People care as much about your love for Apple as people still care about Occupy Wall Street. In case you’re not sure, that would be not at all. And that’s all I have to say about that.
Wow… okay I need to just breathe a little bit. I just got so fired up with hatred writing that. I need to go play with a puppy or something. Don’t forget to sign up to get these posts in your email.
Okay, why don’t we rewind a little bit so I can try to explain where this title is coming from.
My good friend Brenna has a blog, How I Met Ted Mosby, which is a great read. The other day she posted on her G-chat status, “Which TV character would you like to date?” According to her most recent post, the responses poured in. So much so that she turned the responses into a TV Boyfriend Bracket (on which the voting will begin soon).
Now, as a straight male, I have no desire to date any men, fictional or real. BUT, I am also comfortable enough with my sexuality to admit that if I were interested in dating some fictional men, I know who they would be and why. Which brings me back to my title.
If you checked out the bracket by now, you’d see that Zack Morris is a 6 seed. Let me repeat that. A 6 SEED. This is a joke right? You’re telling me that there are at least 20 guys you would date before Zack Morris? No way. Unacceptable. Here are a few that made the list higher than the Preppy, from top left to bottom right going across : 1 Seed – Coach Taylor (no clue who he is), 2 Seed – Marshall Eriksen (seriously), 3 Seed – Chandler Bing (straight up goober), 4 Seed – Ben Wyatt (I’ll be coming back to him later).
You’re telling me that all of these guys (and 16 more!) are ranked higher than the Zackster in a dateability contest? I’ll believe that when Jessie Spano gets addicted to caffeine pills again (which will be never because we all learned a valuable lesson that day.)
I mean, let’s think about this for a few minutes. Putting aside the acid washed jeans, high top sneakers, striped button downs tucked in with no belt, and the most famous cell phone ever, Zack Morris is the catch of a lifetime. Just look at his resume.
Bay Side High School – Class of 1993
1502 SAT Score
California University – Class of 1997
Girls of Bayside Calendar
Zit-Off Acne Cream
Zack Attack (Band) – Hit Song “Friends Forever”
It doesn’t really get much better than that. He’s a savvy businessman, a varsity athlete, a rock star, and he keeps his friends off drugs. Every girl’s soulmate ever much? And if you’re not convinced yet, then consider this. If Zack was able to keep the unforgettable Kelly Kapowski wrapped around his finger for 6+ seasons, I’m pretty sure he can lock up a measly 1 Seed in this TV Boyfriend Bracket.
It doesn’t end there though. 64 guys. 64 guys and no Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World?!? That’s like having a list of the top 64 Best Hair Guys and not including Shawn Hunter. This has gone from a travesty to a travesty squared. He’s a bad boy who writes poetry. He’s the 1990’s version of the Fonzie but with better hair and less jukebox punching. For God’s sake, they called him “Lips” when he was on the quiz bowl TV show!
Oh, and I mentioned I would be coming back to Ben Wyatt. His real name is Adam Scott and he was actually on a few episodes of Boy Meets World as Griff Hawkins (such a sick name BTDubs). He became the school’s new badass for a while when Harley Keiner (his first name was actually Harvey but he never told anyone that) got shipped off to military school.
So that’s my take on TV guys and their dateability. I know you’re all going to have your own opinions. Well bring it on, that’s what the comment section is all about. Don’t forget to follow the blog so you can get each post in your email.