I have so much to say about mustaches, I don’t even know if I can get it all out in one post but I’m going to try. Mustaches are nothing new. Everyone has seen some great ones and some terrible ones in their lives. I’ve learned a lot about them in my 26 years on Earth and I’ve come to a pretty obvious conclusion.
If you have a mustache and you are under 40 years old, you look RIDICULOUS.
That’s the absolute truth and it can’t be made any simpler than that. Now, I will admit, there are three exceptions to that golden rule. The first one is pretty common. The second two are not. If you are one of the people who think you fall under exception 2 or 3, I can say with almost 100% certainty that you are wrong. If you are 100% positive you fall under exception 2 or 3, I can say with almost 99% certainty, that you are wrong.
Here are my 3 exceptions to having a mustache before 40.
1. It’s Movember. Reason being, you’re not doing it to have a mustache. You’re doing it to support a worthy cause and I’m down with that.
2. You have an absolute glorious mustache. I’m not just talking about a full mustache. I’m talking about a mustache you can store food in. I’m talking about a mustache that you can shave and donate to the All Bald Community of St. Sebastians to create 10 wigs. (Totally made up that community. I wonder if there’s an all bald community somewhere. I bet Gillette is killing it there.) I’m talking Ron Swanson mustache. A mustache so thick, I’m questioning whether you even have an upper lip. A mustache so thick, your lower lip is concerned about an invasion. A mustache so thick each mustache hair has a mustache that would put yours to shame.
3. You are a 70’s porn star. No, not you look like a 70’s porn star. You are a 70’s porn star. No, not you were a 70’s porn star. You literally, are a porn star in the 1970’s right now. It’s a quantum physics impossibility so there’s literally no one that can ever claim this exception. I just don’t know everything there is to know about quantum physics or time travel so I thought I’d add it anyway.
So, I’ve explained all of the exceptions to the 11th commandment. Do you have any questions? If so, I have a created a flowchart for you to clear up any confusion.
I’m sure this flowchart has cleared up any questions that you may have had. While writing this post, I decided I am going to spread this issue out over two posts because there is just so much to say about mustaches under forty.
If you have a mustache and you are under 40 AND you believe you don’t look ridiculous, I’d love to hear your reasoning in the comment section. Keep in mind, no matter what you say, you are wrong.