Top 5 Road Rage Inducing Drivers. P.S. I Hate You

It’s that time again, here is your Friday Top 5. And yes, once again it is about people that everyone hates. I’m starting to see a pattern emerging here. Anyway, I know you’re all with me on this one. There are certain things some people do that just fill you with a white hot ball of rage when you’re driving, and these are them.

5.  I Use My Blinker While Merging

This one isn’t as annoying as much as it is just a sign that you’re an idiot. You’re getting on to the highway via an on ramp, you’re lane is about to end and you’re going to move over. Oh, you’re blinker is on relaying the fact that you’re getting onto the highway?! Thank you so much! I couldn’t decipher that information solely based on the fact that you are currently coming off the ON RAMP! 

You know what? This actually pisses me off for two reasons. One, it shows you’re an idiot. Two, and more importantly, it shows you think I’m an idiot. Guy, you’re getting on the highway, I get it. It’s like swinging a bat in baseball and yelling, “I’m trying to hit the ball!” as you do it. It’s just embarrassing.

4. Speed Limit x .75 = Comfortable Pace

“Go. Go! GO!!! OMG GO!!!!!!” I know I’m not the only person that has screamed this while driving 30 in a 40 MPH zone. It’s mind boggling that some people have no problem driving slow and being late everywhere they go.  Do they not understand how speed limits work or are they actually afraid to go faster? I’m genuinely curious. 40 Speed limit means 45! Hurry the frank up or pull over so I can speed up super fast for like 12 feet until I hit 45 then hit the brakes staring you down the whole way.

3. OH NO! Yellow Light!!

“Quick! Slam on the brakes! The light is going to turn red in 3 seconds and we’re 10 feet from the intersection!”  Here’s something you may not know about me. I love squeezing yellow lights, its one of my favorite pastimes. In fact, I just “liked” it on Facebook. So you can understand how much I hate it when people steal that opportunity from me by being pansies. I see that yellow light, I speed up a tad, the combination of excitement and fear causes me to pee my pants a little bit and it’s all for naught. It turns out the person in front of me is allergic to running yellow lights and comes to an abrupt,  unnecessary, annoying halt right in front of me. Really guy? Grow up. It’s a freaking yellow light! Yellow means go in Spanish for God’s sake!

2. I Switch Lanes For No Reason

Once again, this is just a sign that you are an idiot. This isn’t about being cautious or afraid of driving. This is just a pure, “Hey, look at me. I’m doing something for no reason whatsoever and it’s annoying and I’m stupid in the face.”  I will never understand someone going from the left lane to the middle lane with no one in front of them. Like are you racing yourself? Is this Ghost Mode in Super Mario 64? I doubt it is, but if it is, you’re safe, you can drive through your ghost self with no damage.

This is especially annoying when I’m in the lane next to them and about to pass them and they just decide, “Oh, it’s 4:54 pm? Time for my random lane switch. Oh, Adam’s behind me? Oh well. He can just blog about this later I guess.” To be honest, I doubt that entire thought has actually  gone through someone’s head but you get the picture.

And the number 1 road rage inducing driver is…

1. I Leave My Blinker On ADED (All Day Every Day)

ANNOUNCEMENT TO THE WORLD: “I am oblivious to things happening inside my own car, so don’t expect me to notice anything going on outside my car!”

Seriously, that’s what you’re saying to the people around you when you leave your blinker on. You’re telling me that you can’t see a bright green light flashing and clicking literally 2 feet away from your face yet I should trust you driving 2,000 pounds of steel near me? (Is that how much cars weigh? I honestly have no idea.)

No sir, not gonna happen. But it’s okay. I’ve found a way to solve this problem and make them feel stupid at the same time. When I see an idiot like this on the road, first I yell at them for never turning or switching lanes. Then when I realize they just left their blinker on, I feel bad because I just yelled at someone that clearly has some sort of mental disability. I mean, what else could explain being that oblivious to your surroundings. Anyway, what I do is I get in front of them and then put my blinker on. I’ll leave it on for about 30 seconds. Then shut it off and put the other blinker on. And so on and so forth forever and ever and ever.

This usually has one of three outcomes. One, they get super pissed at me for leaving my blinker on and then we’re even. Two, they get mad for a second, only to realize that their blinker is on and they realize what an awful person they have been, write me an apology letter and take me to dinner. Three, they leave their blinker on forever, until they reach their final destination, Ft. Lauderdale Hell.

Well that’s my list. I apologize if any of my readers are drivers like these ones. I’m not sorry that I offended you, I’m sorry to my other readers that I have attracted someone like that to my blog. I promise it won’t happen again.

PS I think we all know that most of the road rage inducers come from the same group. I don’t mean to be racist, but we really need to do something about these white males and their inability to drive. It’s getting a little absurd.