Let’s be honest, dieting is the worst. It makes everything around you boring as hell.
Your food is boring.
Your choice of restaurants is boring.
Your experimental cooking is boring.
And as I noticed this weekend, your grocery shopping is boring.
When you’re a kid/an adult who doesn’t care about his weight, grocery shopping is like a bi-weekly Christmas for your stomach. It’s exciting, refreshing, fulfilling, and you never know what amazing things you’re going to get. Think about it.
Sometimes in this world, you see things and just have to wonder what someone was thinking when they created it. I was driving down the street and saw a guy using a product that inspired that exact thought. What were you thinking, Dr. Medical Scientist?
Welcome back to the next nstallment of the FT5. This week is a throwback, looking at the Top 5 TGIF Shows.
Honorable Mention – Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper.
This was just a great show. Mr. Cooper was funny and tall, everything you look for in a black sitcom star. The reason it didn’t make the list though is that I didn’t even think of it until it showed up in a search for TGIF shows. These, 5 on the other hand, were no-brainers.
As you all know, I’m trying to expand my horizons in the kitchen. I’m trying to learn as much as I can so I can some day call myself a good cook. As you learned in my last kitchenly post, I couldn’t be further from earning that title.
So last weekend, I was doing some grocery shopping. I was crossing off the usual items on my list:
turkey breast American cheese apples oranges 9 lbs of chicken (seriously)
As I was tossing my chicken in the shopping cart, I heard an old man in his motorized chair yell to one of the meat men (not sure that is his exact title, but you get the point), “Hey, where’s the corn beef?” At first Ron the Meat Man (yup, he just went from grocer to professional wrestler) didn’t hear the old man, so he said it again. “Hey! Where’s the corn beef?!” and I’m standing there thinking to myself, Yeah, where is the corn beef?
That’s when I realized I was standing right next to the corn beef brisket section. I grabbed a package to see what the deal was, and two pieces of information that I saw pretty much guaranteed I’d be buying some CBB (corn beef brisket for the kitchenly impaired).
- The cooking instructions on the package was 6 lines long, I can do that.
- $1.79 per pound?! I’m in!
So I bought the CBB, went straight home and cooked that hunk of gross looking meat up! It was so easy:
- Place CBB into pot.
- Cover with water.
- Bring to a boil.
- Add spices (which were included so I didn’t have to think)
- Simmer for 3 hours.
- Eat that bad boy!
So I followed the instructions, 3 hours later, I came back to the kitchen and pulled this glorious piece of meat out of a disgusting pot of water.
Delicious much? Too much! Much too much! Though it becomes a lot less appetizing when you look at the pot of water it came out of.
So I bought the meat and I cooked it to near perfection. Here’s where it becomes obvious that I’m still an amateur cook. I called my mom to brag about the new addition to Chef Telian’s Cook Book (after sending her a picture of that stunning lump of meat of course.) She gave me the, “Oh I’m so proud of you. You’re the best son ever. Why did we even keep your sister,” response that she always does. Then she asked a question that made me question my self worth.
“Did you make any potatoes or cabbage with it?”
And of course, what was my response?
“No. Because I’m a stupid idiot face who doesn’t know how to cook and can’t even think to buy a second food to go with his CBB!”
That’s why today for lunch, I had corn beef brisket and nothing else. And I’m freaking starving! I need some starches up in this beast!
What kind of a moron doesn’t know to make cabbage with some CBB. More importantly, how stupid am I to not even make anything at all. Even if it was completely wrong and didn’t go with corn beef at all, at least I could’ve shown some sort of coherent thought process, but no. Instead, I’m stuck with my tupperware of corn beef brisket and no sides.
Either way, I have taken a step forward in my journey through the Kitchenly Forest. It doesn’t matter that it is was a very small step forward, a step with accompanied but 0 sides.
Welcome back to another installment of the Friday Top 5. As you may have noticed from my previous posts, like Top 5 Snobs and Reasons You Got Defriended, there are a lot of things that annoy me. I’m going to use this week’s FT5 to continue that trend. While the other posts were more about the people we all hate – hipsters, facebook stalkers, and Apple snobs – this is going to be a little different. For this Top 5, it’s more about the little things, usually out of anyone’s control that just have a way of quickly and efficiently ruining my day.
5. Finding Out Your Coffee Is Cold
It’s 10 AM, you’re sitting at your desk working. You’ve been sipping on your coffee for the last 30 minutes which has allowed you to hold off on eating your breakfast. This, in turn, means you’ll be able to make it past noon before eating your lunch! That’s a great start to the day if you ask me. You can’t remember how long it’s been since you last sipped your coffee, but you’re yearning for more of that sweet, sweet nectar. You grab the mug, put it to your lips, and boom goes the dynamite – room temperature coffee.
Talk about a surprise that can ruin your day! Little known fact, room temperature coffee, or as I started calling it just before writing this sentence, RTC, is actually the leading cause of work place semi-upsetedness in America.
4. Noticing A Stain On The Way Out The Door
I don’t know about you guys, but in the morning I usually get dressed in the dark. As most of you know after reading, I’m Not An Adult and Here’s Why, I love my snooze button and I challenge myself to get ready as quickly as possible. So usually, when I’m getting dressed, I’ve only been up for about 30 seconds and I keep my lights off to be kind to my eyes. I throw on my clothes, run upstairs, pack my lunch, and breakfast and head out the door, only to notice a small little stain left behind from my buffalo chicken last week.
Time to rewind! I sprint downstairs as I’m ripping off my shirt, rifle through my closet looking for something that goes with everything I’m already wearing. Boom, blue striped shirt? Done! I sprint back upstairs, run to the car, slide over the hood Luke Duke style, peel out and make it to work with 12.3 seconds to spare.
I’m just glad I didn’t show up with the stain on my shirt. It’s impossible to be taken seriously when that happens. It’s just like there’s a poppy seed in your teeth or a boogs in your nose. I’ve got no clue what you’re saying because I can’t take my eye off it. But here’s the rub. That shirt I tore off this morning? There’s a 97% chance I’m going to forget why it’s there, hang it back up in the closet, and go through this whole ordeal again next week.
3. The Coldest Bathing Suit In The World,
Its Day #2 of your beach vacation. Yesterday was awesome; you grilled, you drank, you threw a football at a group of girls and made a diving catch to impress them and convinced them to come back to your epic beach party to wrap up the summer with Stifler and the gang.
Anyway, after a long day of swimming and and relaxing, you toss your bathing suit on the bathroom floor and pass out. The next morning, everyone is ready to go at it again. You grab your bathing suit, slide it on, and then it hits you like a ton of wet bricks.
Your bathing suit is still wet. There is honestly no piece of clothing that is worst to wear than a wet bathing suit. It’s cold and it’s heavy and it’s just terrible. Honestly, I assume death just feel like one giant wet bathing suit.
2. You’re Missing An Ingredient
In some of my posts, I’ve made it clear that I am not the best cook in the world. I’m still learning my way around the kitchen, but one mistake that I have made dozens of times and I’m sure you have too is starting something without being properly equipped. A couple nights ago, I decided I would treat myself, so I poured a bowl of my favorite cereal in the world,
Grape Nuts Fruity Pebbles. Unfortunately, I didn’t put the in necessary leg work. I soon realized, as I opened the refrigerator, I had no milk! No freaking milk!
Ever wonder what it would be like to run down stairs on Christmas morning and see no presents under the tree? I did, then I poured that bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Now I know exactly what that would feel like: epic disappointment, utter failure, and a tiny bit of your soul dying. It doesn’t even matter that you get milk the next day and eat that bowl, it’s too late, that was the worst day ever.
PS I’ve also done this with PB&J (forgot the J), made meat for a spaghetti meat sauce (forgot the sauce), and made a hotdog (no buns or bread).
And the number 1 way to ruin my day…
1. I Try To Impress You With A Stat And You Crush Me!
Me: Hey! So guess how many pounds I’ve lost this month on my diet.
Day Ruiner: I dunno, like 15?
Me: No… 6. Whatever.
Here’s a breakdown of what just happened. I asked a question with an answer that I assumed would impress my friend. My friend realized that so he, in turn, guessed an answer that would impress him. Unfortunately, the real answer has not broken his “I’m impressed threshold.” So now I’m just a loser for thinking I’m impressive when Im not and on top of it , I’m mad at myself for not losing 15 pounds this month.
Day = Worst Ever!
So as part of the WordPress analytics, which I think are amazing, they track all of the places where your visitors come from. Most of mine are from Facebook, Twitter, and WordPress. Once in a while, I’ll get a google search for “Adam T blog” or “It’s your world,” but today, I got a bomb dropped on me.
Seriously? I don’t even know what to say about this. I mean, traffic is traffic but I am seriously concerned. I think the biggest question that comes to mind is whether or not my blog was actually what this guy was looking for? Like, did he search that, find my website and think to himself, “That’s the one! Google, you have done it again you sly son of a gun!” More importantly, is this the audience that is reading my blog, fans of aging gay porn stars with mustaches?
I guess there’s only one way to find out.
It’s not like a write about mustache clad porn stars all the time. Unlike my other blog, www.MustacheCladPornStars.org where that’s all I talk about, I barely ever write about them on It’s Your World! I mean one time I write about porn mustaches and I become the king of “gay aging porn stars with mustaches!” You know what else is perplexing? Where the hell did “gay” and “aging” coming from?! Now you’re just twisting my words and I won’t stand for it.
I think one of the most amazing things about this whole situation is that this guy must have been doing a serious deep dive into this Google search. I mean, I went through the first 20 pages of google when I searched this and my blog was no where to be found. I would’ve kept going but my eyes were starting to burn after reading some of the titles of the pages I was passing. BTDubs, who knew gay guys loved Twinkies so much.
I mean, there’s got to be an easier way to find my blog than to troll through dozens of porn sites dedicated to old gay mustachioed men. But, as I said earlier, traffic is traffic, and if this is what has to be searched for my blog to get big than so be it! All I can do is thank you for reading and hope you’ll follow and share.
Oh and just for fun. Here are just a few more interesting google searches that for some unknown reason have produced my blog as a result:
- “guys says something girls get mad girls do something wrong girls get mad” – uhh… what?
- “u talking on my back because u are jealous of me” – i can’t even picture what it means to talk on someone’s back. Unless back is new slang for phone. Then it makes sense.
- “zack morris dead” – What?! NOOOO!!!!
- “mustache do you recognise me now” – I dunno about you, but I read this one like he was talking to his mustache, asking if it recognized him. They’ve been best friends for years, but last week he got a nose job and the mustache had no idea it was coming. Now he’s curious if the mustache knows it’s still him. No?
First of all, I’d like to give quick hello and welcome to my new readers. Whether you found me on Freshly Pressed, your friends told you about it, or you just stumbled randomly onto my blog, I appreciate your readership and I look forward to giving and receiving some virtual high 5’s.
Now for the reason we’re all here. Today is Friday which means it’s Friday Top 5 time! I’ve decided this week we will showcase some people that 99% of the population can’t stand. They’re snobs. And not snobs because they’re rich. But snobs because they love something so much that you’re an idiot for not loving it like they do. So let’s get it started.
5. “I’m too busy reading to watch TV” Snobs –
Listen, I get reading. I finally started reading this past summer and I love it. That being said, I’ve been watching TV for 26 years and I love it more than the day I started. I don’t watch as much TV as I used to but I still have about 10 shows a week that I DVR. And as a TV person, I’m always curious what other people are watching and what they think of my shows. One night at a bar some girl made a statement that made gag and vomit at the same time. That’s right, I was gavomitting.
“I don’t own a TV, I read books.”
Here’s the thing, you all know how to read this too. She didn’t say it politely or sweetly. She said it with poison in her voice. Like I’m the scum of the earth for owning a TV and I should be wiped off her floor with a Swifter WetJet Mop. You know what lady? You’re the worst and there’s no two ways about it. (I’ve literally never used that saying before until now. Me – 1, Underdeveloped Vocabulary – 0). What kind of psychopath doesn’t like TV? That’s almost as bad as not liking bacon. Speaking of not liking bacon…
4. Vegetarian/Vegan Snobs –
There’s actually two kinds of these snobs that bother me.
Don’t get me wrong, if you’re a vegetarian, all the power to you. I don’t know how you can go without a nice ribeye or a McDouble, so good for you. But here’s where we start to have a problem – when I’m the bad guy for eating meat. Listen Mr. Berkenstocks, I don’t get mad at you for eating kelp, so don’t get mad at me for eating that cow over there.
The other vegetarians that make me want to go drink a steak smoothie are the people that say, “Meat is disgusting.” Is there a dumber statement than that? And not just because they’re out of their minds either. I mean granted, there is nothing better in this world than bacon. NOTHING. Bacon makes everything better, no questions asked. But also because there’s no way they’ve eaten every meat in the world. And even if they had, they’re just being stubborn little d-bags if they say they’re all bad. You would think someone was nuts if they said, “All movies are bad,” or “All pictures of Winnie from the Wonder Years are ugly.” So why is it acceptable to say, “All meat is disgusting.” Speaking of meat being disgusting…
3. Too Cool For School (And/or Everything) Snobs – AKA Hipsters –
First of all, yes I know that was the all-time worst segue into anything ever and I’m proud of it! K so back to hipsters. Listen, I know people have written about them til the cows came home, and yes they did come home, mostly because they were so sick of looking at those idiotic mustaches, they’re stupid bright colored skinny jeans, they’re disgust towards you for having any sort of emotion about anything ever, and they’re freaking scarves! OMG Those scarves, it’s 90 degrees out, your neck is dripping wet, yet you stick to your stupid, pathetically skinny guns, and keep that stupid scarf on! AHhhh!
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10… Ok and I’m relaxed again. Moving on…
2. The “I drive a ferrari, date models, have an 8 pack, own 3 houses and a villa, and I smell like liquid awesome” Snobs –
Okay that might just be a little jealousy but whatever.
and the Number 1 Snob That We All Hate…
1. Apple Snobs –
Everyone knows at least one of them. Let me paint you a mind picture. White ear bud headphones in 24/7. iTouch, iPhone, iPad in his messenger bag at all times. That iPad he just had in his messenger back 3 seconds ago? He just threw it in a lake because the newer version is out and he’s running to get it right now. He’s got his Mac Book Air connected to his ultra thin wireless keyboard and mouse and he sits down at night to watch his Apple TV which is seamlessly synced to his iTunes, iPhone, iPad, MacBook, and his iToilet. And somehow, he’s got a date tonight with Siri.
We get it, you like Apple products. We get it, Apple products don’t get viruses. We get it, they’re sleek and hip. We get it, they put on cool webcasts that you skip work to watch and find out how the new OS is going to change your life. You know what Sir Douchealot, no one cares. People care as much about your love for Apple as people still care about Occupy Wall Street. In case you’re not sure, that would be not at all. And that’s all I have to say about that.
Wow… okay I need to just breathe a little bit. I just got so fired up with hatred writing that. I need to go play with a puppy or something. Don’t forget to sign up to get these posts in your email.