You Look Ridiculous

I have so much to say about mustaches, I don’t even know if I can get it all out in one post but I’m going to try.  Mustaches are nothing new.  Everyone has seen some great ones and some terrible ones in their lives.  I’ve learned a lot about them in my 26 years on Earth and I’ve come to a pretty obvious conclusion.

If you have a mustache and you are under 40 years old, you look RIDICULOUS.

That’s the absolute truth and it can’t be made any simpler than that. Now, I will admit, there are three exceptions to that golden rule. The first one is pretty common. The second two are not. If you are one of the people who think you fall under exception 2 or 3, I can say with almost 100% certainty that you are wrong. If you are 100% positive you fall under exception 2 or 3, I can say with almost 99% certainty, that you are wrong.

Here are my 3 exceptions to having a mustache before 40.

1. It’s Movember. Reason being, you’re not doing it to have a mustache. You’re doing it to support a worthy cause and I’m down with that.

2. You have an absolute glorious mustache. I’m not just talking about a full mustache.  I’m talking about a mustache you can store food in.  I’m talking about a mustache that you can shave and donate to the All Bald Community of St. Sebastians to create 10 wigs. (Totally made up that community. I wonder if there’s an all bald community somewhere. I bet Gillette is killing it there.) I’m talking Ron Swanson mustache. A mustache so thick, I’m questioning whether you even have an upper lip. A mustache so thick, your lower lip is concerned about an invasion.  A mustache so thick each mustache hair has a mustache that would put yours to shame.

3. You are a 70’s porn star. No, not you look like a 70’s porn star. You are a 70’s porn star. No, not you were a 70’s porn star. You literally, are a porn star in the 1970’s right now. It’s a quantum physics impossibility so there’s literally no one that can ever claim this exception.  I just don’t know everything there is to know about quantum physics or time travel so I thought I’d add it anyway.

This guy is so 70s porn star, he added a second 70s porn star mustache to his eyebrow. Impressive!

So, I’ve explained all of the exceptions to the 11th commandment.  Do you have any questions? If so, I have a created a flowchart for you to clear up any confusion.

I’m sure this flowchart has cleared up any questions that you may have had. While writing this post, I decided I am going to spread this issue out over two posts because there is just so much to say about mustaches under forty.

If you have a mustache and you are under 40 AND you believe you don’t look ridiculous, I’d love to hear your reasoning in the comment section. Keep in mind, no matter what you say, you are wrong.

16 responses

  1. wayne

    what if I’m a pedophile and under the age of 40?

    March 8, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    • You’ll still look ridiculous to normal society. But I guess you’ll fit in with your kind.

      March 8, 2012 at 1:14 pm

  2. Excellent flow chart. It has my wondering if you considered a mustache PowerPoint.

    March 8, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    • A power point presentation is in the works. It will go hand in hand with my speaking tour. I’ll probably start here in Denver, then make my way to San Francisco and Brooklyn. You know, where the mustache problem has become more of an epidemic.

      March 8, 2012 at 2:06 pm

  3. Nancy

    What if you’re under 40 and female?

    March 8, 2012 at 7:02 pm

  4. ‘A mustache so thick each mustache hair has a mustache that would put yours to shame.’ That line just induced the loudest, heartiest early morning laugh ever.

    March 9, 2012 at 6:28 am

    • Ha. I actually laughed while I was writing it. Goss u could get your morning off to a good .

      March 9, 2012 at 8:26 am

  5. Okay, now you got me laughing. Glad you liked today’s rubberchickendinner. Cool, funny blog you have here man.

    March 23, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    • Glad I could pay you back with some laughter. Thanks for the comment, I’m sure I’ll be hungry for some more rubber chicken dinner again.

      March 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm

  6. Adam, I came over from today’s post through the mustache link and I am traumatized by the porn star reference attached to that photo of my 70’s heartthrob. Please tell me you know who that is.

    April 1, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    • Hahaha yes I do. I didn’t realize it when I used the pic but then I figured it out. I’m so sorry to disgrace his good name.

      April 1, 2012 at 6:49 pm

      • I had a LIFE SIZE poster on the back of my bedroom door (actually it was likely this poster).

        You are forgiven :-).

        April 1, 2012 at 7:09 pm

  7. Hey, can I email you? (I don’t see “contact”. Am I blind?) I want to send you 2 photos. I can post the links here and you can delete the post if you want.

    April 1, 2012 at 7:16 pm

  8. Pingback: Go for it. Just PROMISE you’ll only write nice things about me. | Life through My Eyes

    • haha thanks for the comment. glad you enjoyed it!

      April 3, 2012 at 12:05 am

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